by Kristin McKee / Roosevelt Editor
This article is from the Torch’s satire issue, the Scorch.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Contrary to popular belief among the Aries community, the world does not revolve around you. What’s worse is having everyone constantly remind you that it’s not their job to fulfill every single one of your needs. You could try to be more considerate of those around you, or you could unleash your stubborn rage and delete their number for a few days because you know that’s what you’re going to do anyway.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You have a great appreciation for material things, specifically things that are of high quality. However, you still have a long way to go before you’re able to live out your lavish dreams. Your closet brings you to tears because it’s filled with clothes from Target and Sears with no Louis Vuitton or Givenchy in sight. You scoff at the neighborhood you live in because it hasn’t been gentrified yet. Still, you can fake it ‘til you make it by spamming your Snapchat story with your weekly adventures in River North.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Most of your energy goes towards acting like you know everything; the rest goes towards manipulating everyone into believing you really do know everything. You’re practically wearing yourself thin! This is your sign to wind down and reserve some time to actually learn something before you waste all of your energy running your mouth. As much as it hurts, this does include actively listening to other people’s opinions.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Your greatest power comes from your emotions. When you feel a particular emotion, you feel it and express it to the fullest extent. While you reel people in with your passionate energy, you also push people away the second they say the wrong thing, which can literally be anything depending on the day. You take every joke too seriously and run away with it, which ultimately contributes to your unhappiness with life. Reading this made you cry, didn’t it?
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
No one understands you. Whether it’s their inability to admire your annoyingly pretentious attitude or accept the hard truth that you are, in fact, better than everyone else, it can get lonely being the only one who recognizes your utter greatness. As long as you continue to step over others to reach your goals, you’ll keep making great strides in life, even if you’re the only one cheering yourself on.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Your full-time job is being a perfectionist, which means you have to set impossibly high standards not only for yourself but for those around you. That being said, you have a very difficult time maintaining stable relationships with people because the average person simply cannot climb up to your level, and you have very little patience for those who desperately try to. You may not be able to reach these high standards yourself, but there’s no crime in filtering out those who spoil your spiritual energy and are not worthy of your ethereal presence.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Being a peacemaker in a world full of negativity can be emotionally draining. Although you couldn’t care less about the conflicts themselves or the people affected by them, being exposed to any sort of instability in life drives you insane. You do absolutely nothing to mediate the conflict or offer a solution, but at least you make it known that you see good people on both sides.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Every time you come across any situation, even if it does not involve you in any way, you simply have to go out of your way to make it about yourself. God forbid that people spend a split second not being concerned about you. If your best friend got hit by a bus, it’d be your duty to post paragraphs on social media detailing your emotional turmoil over your best friend’s accident. It crushes you to see people send more prayers towards your friend’s recovery than your emotional healing.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
No matter how loud and obnoxious you get, sometimes to the point of sheer embarrassment, you have a hard time making yourself known. Even in the rare instance where you catch someone’s attention, you definitely do not leave a lasting impression. It doesn’t help that everyone forgets your zodiac sign even exists. This is where you can use your lack of tact to your advantage. Steal the show by blurting out anything and everything you can think of no matter how inappropriate or offensive it is. Who cares? Everyone is boring to you anyway, so don’t waste your time trying to impress them.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan. 19)
You’re a realist. People may construe your skepticism about every little aspect of life as pessimism, but someone’s got to hand out the unsolicited reality checks, right? You simply do not have the time to consider the stupid, wacky ideas your friends excitedly share with you in confidence. On the bright side, at least everyone tells you, “You must be fun at parties!”
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You’ve been unsuccessful at becoming the Regina George of everyone’s lives. Like Regina George, you work your way to the top by flaunting your queen-bee persona and looking down on those who dare to breathe the same air as you. The only difference is that no one looks up at you in awe and envy. Instead, they see you as a narcissistic nightmare who likes to be vicious just for the hell of it. Don’t worry, though, everyone is really in love with you as long as you keep telling yourself that.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
While you are the least toxic zodiac sign, your compassion has turned you into human doormat. You’re inviting, but you let everyone walk all over you. You tend to beat yourself up and blame yourself before you even consider holding the people who have wronged you accountable. Please, the next time you feel the need to kick some a**, this is your permission slip to do so.
Categories: The Scorch