by Renya Eggstrada / Editor-in-Chief
This article is from the Torch’s satire issue, the Scorch.
- When he defeated the COVID-19 virus
In terms of accomplishments and legacies, this is one that will likely follow former President Trump for the rest of his feeble lifetime. The COVID-19 pandemic was declared a global emergency by the World Health Organization (WHO) on Jan. 30, 2020 and it quickly took the United States by force–Americans faced dire consequences with drastic changes in their day to day lives. Schools and workplaces began to shut down, and many even lost employment. As of March 19, 2021, there have been 29.7 million cases in the United States and 540 thousand deaths.
Who knew it would only take the words of one man with luxurious hair to save us all.
The news of Covid’s demise came via a White House press release in October, which listed ending the pandemic as one of former President Trump’s biggest accomplishments of the administration.
Strangely enough, that week had seen a 23% increase in cases. However, as we are all aware, research and statistics don’t have a place in Donald Trump’s White House!
Many Americans wasted no time in “getting back to normal” as thousands attended a mask burning ceremony where they gathered to burn the life-saving article of clothing.
- When he didn’t show up to his own virtual rally
Many candidates in the 2020 presidential election utilized virtual formats on their campaign trail–while it took former President Trump a while to put together virtual events (many speculate this is due to his minimal computer skills) he eventually jumped on the bandwagon and hosted a variety of virtual events, some of which he even showed up to!
However, the most unforgettable event of Trump’s downward spiral of a campaign was the event he never showed up to. Fortunately, only one Trump supporter took the time to sign in to the zoom link. Chad McChadwhick, a 42-year-old failing business owner and Trump super fan said he waited on the empty zoom call for three hours, hoping that the former president would grace him with his presence.
“Yeah man, I was pretty bummed when he never showed up, I heard he overslept or something, but I get it. When the grind never stops, sometimes you gotta take a day to rest.”
Later that evening, Trump’s administration put out a statement letting the public know not to worry because the nation’s leader was very well rested and would probably show up to the next rally.
“It’s like a 50/50 chance he shows,” a representative said.
- When he saved Puerto Rico from Hurricane Maria
As his reputation shows, the former US president is a man of many talents. In addition to single-handedly saving the World from total destruction from the Covid-19 virus, in 2017 he kindly offered Puerto Ricans a simple solution after many faced devastation from Hurricane Maria: Paper towels. If he’s anything, he’s resourceful! He was caught on video announcing to the crowd, “If you want to cry, dry your tears with this,” which many took as a helpful solution.
“I never considered using paper towels to dry my tears, I usually stick to tissues. I’ve been crying all day because unfortunately my family experienced $200,000 in property damage. At least now I don’t have to buy tissues. Thanks for the new suggestion!” said one resident.
- When he appointed his pal Jim to the Department of Defense for no apparent reason
Trump’s administration will likely be known for its highly qualified appointments under his leadership, such as Betsy DeVos of the Department of Education. However, one of the former president’s brightest moments can be marked by his appointment of his high school friend Jim. Despite his friend’s lack of experience, former president Trump said he was confident in his abilities.
“My pal Jim, well, he’s the best. He’s certainly great at defense– he’s always been one to just get out there and defend,” Trump had said when asked about his reasoning for choosing someone with absolutely no experience.
This appointment resonated a message of encouragement in the hearts of all Americans–literally anybody can work in government, no matter how unqualified.
“You know, if Jim can do it, so can I,” said Tom Rogers, co-CEO of a company that he runs with his dad.
- When he announced his affair with an American flag
Nothing better encapsulated the drama and excitement of Trump’s White House than his secretive affair with nothing other than an American flag, portraying an act of patriotism unheard of in recent history.
Donald Trump bravely decided to go public with the affair at the 2020 Conservative Political Action Conference when he kissed and professed his love to an American flag while on stage.
After kissing the flag he told it, “I love you baby.”
Many of his supporters were quick to show the former president support.
Categories: The Scorch