by Kel Faherty / Staff Reporter
This article is from the Torch’s satire issue, the Scorch.
Roosevelt University has made the executive decision to now require student uniforms across the board. According to the head source, who wished to remain anonymous, this decision will be taking effect “as soon as students return from spring break.” The uniform is nothing to gawk at, as it is merely a full length, forest green morph suit with school spirit decorum on the back.
“I think it’s all in good taste,” said Renesmee Swan, a current incoming freshman. She also stated that the rumored green morph suit is something that “shows quite a bit of school spirit.” Swan added that walking around Chicago in a fresh uniform could benefit her, as she may land a modeling gig or get discovered on TikTok as a result.
Others are not as thrilled about the news. “I am only being seen in Zoom from the waist up,” said seventh-year student Edward Jacobs. To me, a morph suit is more of a holistic body outfit. I don’t see why I should have to wear something like that to my computer monitor.” Lucky for this student, faculty have already been discussing alternatives.
“We have thought of the comfortability aspects of Zoom as well as the warmer weather and have humbly made adjustments,” faculty member Bella Jasper said. “We may choose to implement a cropped morph suit instead. The only aspects of the uniform that are non-negotiable are the bedazzled terrier on the back and the color green. We like to be flexible in any other regard and cannot wait to see our student body in these fresh fits.”
Jasper said she believes the students will eventually “find a love” for the uniforms. “The other Chicago schools will be copying us in no time. I truly believe that.”
Of course, all good things have to cost money. The new uniforms will be packed into part of the tuition. For the standard morph suit, it will cost an average of $1,000. This $1,000 can either be paid in full, or sectioned up into a series of small payments.
“However, since this uniform is more important than the housing plan, the students will be required to put down this deposit prior to tuition and dorms,” said werewolf studies professor Dr. Carlisle Collin. “It is imperative that this is the first thing on a prospective student’s mind. If we cannot have a class of funky fresh outfits, we cannot have a class at all.”
“All in all, Roosevelt University is a special place, and a morph suit is a special fashion staple,” Collin said. “Although it may be basic to some, it is an essential to our school’s aesthetic. We couldn’t be prouder to kick this off!”
The morph suits will be available for pick up at the Roosevelt University bookstore on Wabash beginning May 1. Lines are expected to reach past the Chicago River, so it is advised to bring a few snacks.
“We are expecting Black Friday conditions. All in all, the smartest thing to do would be to act as soon as possible. Let’s see who’s got RU spirit! And an additional $1,000 to spare. Please, we really need it.”
Categories: The Scorch