Roosevelt announces plans to integrate with every university in Chicago

by Karina Aguilar / Staff Reporter

This article is from the Torch’s satire issue, the Scorch.

A rare picture of Roosevelt’s new campus. Photo courtesy of

Roosevelt University announced another integration on March 9—exactly one year after the integration with Robert Morris University was finalized. 

The administration explained that they have put in an application to the Higher Learning Commision. If approved, all colleges in the city of Chicago would merge together to create one big “super school.”

“Although it was a fight to decide which university’s name would be used after the integration, we all agreed to name the super school Roosevelt University,” said Northwestern’s president. “We just all knew that Roosevelt had a lot of experience with university mergers, and we didn’t want all the students that came from the Robert Morris integration to have to change university names again.”

Some students said they were disappointed with the new integration.

“I think that they should have only merged with schools that are similar to Roosevelt,” said Rebecca Jones, a sophomore criminal justice major. “I feel like I signed up for a smaller school that is dedicated to providing access to education for lower income students, but this integration would change all of those opportunities.”

Roosevelt administrators assured students that they will not be changing the cost of tuition for all current students.

“While there will be many changes in the Roosevelt community if the integration gets approved, the core values of Roosevelt will never change,” said Jessica Day, a professor of sociology. “This is also a great opportunity for more programs and areas of study for students.”

Not only does this mean that there will be a wider selection of courses available to students, but there will be an expansion of the athletic department and student organizations. 

“As someone who played competitive flag football in high school, I am really stoked that Roosevelt is getting a flag football team, bro,” said Brad Whyte, a junior dance major. “Flag football games are always so lit, and people will definitely come to them more often than the current football team’s games, bro.”

Some students said they feel like the increasing student body will lead to more active engagement within the Roosevelt community. 

“I tried to start my own club on campus—which was super easy to do initially—but we really struggled to keep up attendance and involvement so we decided to get rid of the club,” said Lizzie Collins, a junior journalism major. “Hopefully the integration will increase attendance so we can start our club back up.”

While there are benefits of the integration, some students have concerns. 

“I know there was some tension among Roosevelt and Robert Morris students during the last integration, so I am worried that there will be tension between all of the different schools that are coming together,” said Jayson Davis, a freshman psychology major. “I am also nervous that we will keep merging with other colleges until there is only one college left in America.”

Regardless of the feelings towards the integration, at least now, the city of Chicago will actually be Roosevelt’s campus.

Categories: The Scorch

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