by Mohammad Samra / Chicago Editor by Adnan Bašić / Head Copy Editor
This article is from the Torch’s satire issue, the Scorch.
In a move that sent shockwaves throughout Major League Baseball and the city of Chicago, Commissioner Rob Manfred has stripped the Chicago Cubs of their 2016 World Series championship.
Footage from the winner-take-all Game 7 of the 2016 World Series shows Cubs first baseman Anthony Rizzo’s foot off of first base as he caught a throw from teammate Kris Bryant, meaning the final out was never secured. During that moment, Cleveland Indians hitter Michael Martinez crossed home plate as the Cubs celebrated in the middle of the field.
The National Association of Scorekeepers voted unanimously to change the official outcome of the game to a 9-8 Indians victory, which means the Indians are now 2016 champions instead of the Cubs.
“Maybe ownership can get us some decent players instead of using that 2016 run as an excuse for 100 more years of f****** mediocrity,” said Cubs coach David Ross in an explicit rant following the announcement from MLB. “We’ve been living off that high for so long that we’ve seemingly stopped trying to win the title again.”
Players on the Cubs don’t seem all too eager to break the revived championship drought, which now sits at 112 years.
“At this point, I’ll go play wide receiver for the Bears before I try to carry the Cubs back to the World Series,” said outfielder Jason Heyward, who led all hitters in double plays during the 2016 postseason, before remembering that the Bears had acquired Andy Dalton.
Convenience stores in Chicago have seen a massive spike in ice cream and beer sales as fans attempt to cope with losing a championship nearly five years after the series was played.
“I thought I’d be able to show my face in Chicago again,” Steve Bartman, a die-hard Cubs fan said, “I now have to go into hiding until they actually win one…who knows how long that’ll be. At least it’s not my fault this time.”
Meanwhile, members of the 2016 Indians met over Zoom to celebrate their sudden World Series championship.
“It’s not the most ideal way to celebrate, but we’ll take it,” said head coach Terry Francona.
“I’m over the moon,” said Indians fan Jack Concord. “There’s no way we could have won the World Series in a legitimate way, so this will definitely count in my book.”
The decision to strip the Cubs of the title drew national attention, especially from President Joe Biden.
“Since the Cubs’ perceived World Series win, we’ve had someone with no political experience become president and a virus take over the globe,” said Biden. “They weren’t kidding when they said the world would end once the Cubs won the World Series, so maybe by stripping them we’ll get some sense of normalcy again.”
This news might be horrible for the Cubs, but their cross-town rivals have already begun to party.
“The White Sox can’t win many games on their own, so seeing the Cubs suffer is a victory in our books,” said fan Jack McGurnee. “This is the best thing that has happened to us since 2005.”
A parade has been planned for the White Sox to mark the occasion, and there is no need to worry about social-distancing guidelines since there aren’t even that many supporters of the team in the first place.
Categories: The Scorch