Aries (March 21-April 19): Don’t take the red line anywhere this week. Seriously. Don’t do it.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): You need to come back down to earth and grow up. Daydreaming and spending all your money won’t make you happy. For real, quit your daydreaming or you’ll really walk into traffic this time.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): The stars gave up on you. Sorry, kind of. If you want another donut from the cafeteria, just go get a dang donut from the cafeteria.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): An existential crisis is in your midst. Soon, you’ll find yourself in the middle of the cafeteria regretting every decision you’ve ever made and questioning the following choices you’re bound to make. Watch yourself.
Leo (July 23- August 22): Feel like singing a random musical out loud on the elevator, down the hallway or even in your room? Please don’t. Just. Don’t. A lot of people will thank you.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): You’re going to meet someone really cool in one of your classes. Then you’re going to sit back and realize you’ll never be as cool as them. Actually, you’ll never be cool, ever.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Texting your girlfriend “K” today will result in your untimely demise. We suggest simply leaving her on read.
Libra (September 23-October 22): Your search for happiness ends on floor 32. If you have no way of getting there, looks like your search of happiness stops cold. Sorry about that.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): The stars have decided that you’re going to get hit by a Pace Bus tomorrow. It sucks, yeah, there’s just really nothing you can do to help it at this point.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): CALL YOUR MOM THIS WEEK, YOU PIECE OF TRASH.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Karma is going to come back and bite you in the form of a dog chasing you down South Wabash this week. Keep your eyes open for either a colossal rottweiler or a rabid chihuahua.
Pisces (February 19-March 20): This week you’ll eat something good from the Marketplace for once, but it’ll bring you a relieving yet explosive bathroom experience.