Drunken Fall Into Chicago River Transforms Local Bro Into Hometown Superhero

By Fiona Moran
Staff Reporter

The river after St. Patrick’s Day, which is still murky green. Photo by Alejandro Caballero.

CHICAGO – The city’s entire scientific community is left astounded after an area man developed superpowers from falling in the Chicago River. Dubbed “Steely O’Leery” by the Riverwalk workers, he has emerged from the backward flowing waters with a new devotion to keeping Chicagoans safe from all that would mildly inconvenience them.

Once your typical young man from Avondale, Steely says he fell into the river walking across the Clark Street bridge on a Saturday bar crawl with his friends.

“Dey pulled me audda da water and I was fine, no scratches no nothin’. Da paramedics made sure I was warm and dry and da haspital said dat I was good to go home. But I woke up the next morning feelin’ different, an I don’t just mean hungover,” Steely said. He woke up Sunday morning with a completely changed appearance. “I woke up with this humongous mustache, ya know previously I preferred the clean shaven look, but when I tried shavin it off in the morning it grew back a second later. I thought I was goin crazy.”

He also said that before falling in the river his physique was lankier, his accent wasn’t nearly as strong, “and that’s before all of the super power stuff.”

He discovered his extraordinary abilities that Sunday at a block party near his parents house. “One of da neighbors was grillin brats and hot dogs. Da grill’s leg was perched up on a brick since da wheel had fallen off. Dere were kids running around and one of dem knocked da brick from under da grill. I was seeing dis from across da street, and I literally flew, flew!, over to catch da grill and the food from fallin’ on dis kid’s head. I caught da grill and all da dogs and brats before dey could fall. It was insane.”

Now he fights the city’s greatest societal menaces; the sidewalk shovel slackers, the dog poop leavers and the parking spot stealers. “Dis lady called dibs!,” yelled Steely as he picked up a Buick off the curbside as the driver screamed and honked the horn. “Did’ya naht’ see the lawn chair?”

Steely set the spot thief back down on the street as the woman pulled into the space with a shocked smile on her face. After the video of this went viral, he’s since made local headlines for getting a fireman’s cat out of a tree, saving a suicidal teen from being hit by the El and catching a home run ball by flying above the Wrigley Field scoreboard.

While he’s received a warm welcome by the city’s officials, some are hesitant to encourage his behavior until the cause of his abilities can be discovered. The Chicago Fire Department has issued a statement asking that people stay out of the river, and all non-commercial boat traffic has been stopped. City Council is preparing to subpoena the Rowan family demanding to know just what goes into that green dye.

The city is abuzz with guesses as to which ghost or ancient curse gave Steely his powers. Steely’s mother has reportedly received flowers from both mayoral candidates as well as Mayor Emanuel. At the moment, Steely is currently battling the administration of Guaranteed Rate Field, as they say that even if Steely is flying above the game watching from the stadium rooftop, he still has to pay for a ticket.

Categories: The Scorch

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