Roosevelt University Sports Team Actually Wins Something

By Adnan Basic
Copy Editor

In a shock to many at this school, a sports team here at Roosevelt University actually managed to win a trophy of genuine importance.

Taking place on the morning of April 1 in the Goodman Center, the Lakers hosted Robert Morris University in another heated rivalry matchup. Roosevelt was the heavy underdog going into the contest, as always, and was preparing for the worst from the beginning. The CCAC division title was on the line, so there was plenty to play for.

Robert Morris expected a cakewalk. The Eagles rolled up late in street clothes, and didn’t even bother warming up, having the game start as soon as their players got to the stadium. Roosevelt was much more prepared, as the Lakers were ready a full nine hours before the contest was set to start. That would prove to be the difference, as Roosevelt managed to hold on to the end and secure a surprise upset.

    “I don’t *expletive* believe it,” said Head Coach Steve Coachman. “I was ready to write off this season. The focus was just on moral victories, but I never expected to pick up any actual ones. I just told the players that having fun was what all that mattered, but holy hell actually winning something feels so much better.”

The players were less shocked, as they always had this inner belief in them, no matter how ludicrous it seemed in the past. “I always knew this day was coming baby,” said senior cooking major Brock Brosinski. “The struggle always pays off. From all the classes I ditched to go work out to all the homework assignments I didn’t do so I had more time to work out, I had to sacrifice a lot. Now, I’m looking forward to winning some more gold, as I’m not gonna be able to graduate for at least another three years, which is dope.”

The student body at Roosevelt is super excited as well, as there was a record breaking attendance of 17 people at the Goodman Center to see the Lakers win the title. “I almost forgot we even had an athletics program here,” said sophomore IMC major Phil Danielson. “Me and my friends were just trying to kill time before class and kinda stumbled into the Goodman Center, which I initially thought was a building for CCPA students. To see sports going on, and actually seeing sports being played well was a fresh change of pace to what usually goes on.”

Now, the Lakers have their sights set on the national tournament, as Roosevelt travels to Rhode Island to compete in the NCAA division seven championships. “I just planned on using this place as a stepping stone to a more marquee job, but I might as well see where this goes,” said Coach Coachman. “No one expects anything out of us, so the team is playing with house money. Don’t confuse that with actual money, which were not getting much of, but at least we have something to make the trophy cabinet a little less barren here.”

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