The public bathroom; an epicenter for comfort, culture and relaxation. Isolating oneself from greater society within the walls of a locked bathroom stall is nothing less than a divine escape from the harsh and rigorous cycle of the school day. Since the beginning of time, humanity has developed a primal longing to rest upon a cushioned toilet seat while scrolling through Facebook memes and craves the ability to unwind in a bathroom that smells of fresh linens rather than a Taco Bell sewer system.
Each individual is bound together by their mutual desire for a pleasant public restroom experience. Because of this, multiple students have asked the Roosevelt University Torch “which are the best on-campus restrooms that I can use to answer nature’s call, or take a tinkle?” We listened.
In order to exercise the journalistic integrity of the Roosevelt University Torch, we teamed up with the university’s accredited engineering program and ranked the top 5 restrooms throughout the Wabash and Auditorium buildings by testing and analyzing a series of scientific variables. These variables were carefully crafted as a means of evaluating the quality and overall experience of each restroom throughout campus.
Science and engineering students tested the caliber of each bathroom at Roosevelt University by testing the PSI (poopy smell index), ATP (availability of toilet paper), and overall restroom design (décor, cleanliness, comfort of toilet seat). The findings of each variable are represented on a 10 point numerical scale. Unfortunately, engineering students were only able to evaluate gender neutral restrooms and women’s restrooms, as members of the Roosevelt University reslife have transformed each of the men’s bathrooms into dorm rooms due to the enormous housing waitlist for the 2019-2020 academic year.
5. 1M, Wabash Building Restroom
The 1M, or mezzanine floor restroom is the perfect location to retreat to when students gain the desire to dunk their heads inside of a toilet bowl after a meeting with Roosevelt University’s financial aid department. With a PSI rating of only 0.02, this bathroom has a pleasant aroma. Additionally, this bathroom offers a multitude of stalls to cry inside of after the occasional student figures out that he has to take out yet another student loan. Although the mezzanine floor restroom has its perks, it received a somewhat disappointing overall design rating of 6.5 as there was limited seating, overwhelmingly green walls and low-energy toilets that failed to flush anything above a #1. This restroom earned a weak ATP rating of 6.7, as the toilet paper supply was slightly depleted. Despite its flaws, we would recommend Roosevelt students to use the 1M restroom as there is low foot traffic, a drinking fountain, and a copious amount of stalls.
4. Fourth Floor, Auditorium Building Restroom
Walking into the fourth floor bathroom of Roosevelt’s Auditorium Building is similar to walking into the arms of a cherished friend. This location is simple, practical, and does not try to be anything beyond an average restroom. The PSI rating of 0.4 and ATP rating of 9.0 make this bathroom an easy escape from class. However, the somewhat bland gray tiling of the floors and walls leave much to be desired. Overall, this restroom gained an overall design rating of 6.7, and exists as nothing more than a standard campus bathroom for students to retreat to.
3. Second Floor, Auditorium Building Restroom
When entering into the ladies’ room to powder one’s nose, there is nothing that female students crave more than a constant reminder of gender stereotypes. This is why we selected the Auditorium Building’s second floor bathroom as the fourth best restroom experience at Roosevelt University. This restroom is covered in various shades of pink, as women cannot physically urinate in an environment that does not reflect the aggressive gender norms set forth by mainstream society. This bathroom earned a PSI rating of zero, as women do not poop. Additionally, this location earned an ATP rating of, as the toilet paper rolls were fully stocked in case of “feminine issues.” The overall design of the second floor bathroom earned a rating of 7.9, as there is a plush couch for extra seating and a multitude of lighted mirrors for womanly beauty touch-ups. Overall, we would recommend students to use this restroom due to its mild foot traffic and feminine charm.
2. Eighth Floor, Auditorium Building
Sometimes, students at Roosevelt University are met with an intense desire to run away from school, responsibilities and work after figuring out that they have failed their economics 101 quiz. But instead of dropping out of school and deciding to start a new life somewhere out West, students can simply walk to the eighth floor restroom in order to escape the cold realities of existence. The eighth floor bathroom of the Auditorium Building can be described as “cozy,” with its lavish and inviting couch, warm lighting, and humble four stalls. Each of these factors contributes to this restroom’s impressive overall design score of 8.1. With a PSI rating of 0.03 and an ATP rating of 9.8, this is a welcoming space where students can sit in toilet stalls for over twenty minutes while crying and contemplating their life choices. However, this location has an increased foot traffic and is used often by professors who have offices along the eighth floor hallway—yikes! Despite this, we would still recommend students to use this bathroom as a comfortable and relaxing escape from the hellish nightmare that is adult life.
1. 12th Floor, Wabash Building
Sleek, stylish and business professional. These words can be used to describe the sophisticated elegance of the 12th Floor Wabash Building restroom. Recognized among Roosevelt students as the “business floor bathroom,” this location is a certainly an asset to students across campus. With a PSI rating of only 0.01 and an ATP rating of 10, having a pleasant experience at the Wabash Building’s 12th floor restroom is a personal guarantee. The tiled walls, a bright combination of white and canary yellow, as well as the generous amount of stalls add to this bathroom’s overall design rating of 9.0. This restroom truly creates revenue by appealing to students across campus, whether they are in the business program or not. Even if students do not have a class on the business floor, we would recommend making the trip for a truly divine restroom experience.
Whether students have to do a wee, lay a brick or take a tinkle, the desire for a pleasant public bathroom experience remains a universal longing across humanity. The restrooms here at Roosevelt University are nothing short of a delightful experience. Many students love the sensation of digesting a hearty cafeteria meal in one of the Auditorium Building’s unique bathrooms, most of which that have not been renovated once since 1945. Historic! So why use the toilets located inside of the comfort of your home when you can gain a unique cultural experience at one of Roosevelt University’s colorful public restrooms?
Categories: The Scorch