By Ryan Rosenberger
After years of championing local businesses by serving Metropolis Coffee in their school cafeteria, Roosevelt University has finally embraced gentrification in a big way by doing away with Metropolis, putting in a Starbucks instead.
“This is the first act in a long process of gentrification,” said a university spokesperson. “Soon, the entire Auditorium Building will have a brand new look as well.”
A representative of the catering department that asked to remain anonymous gave his take as well.
“As a part of our school’s long standing mission of social justice, we are proud that it took us so long to finally give into the man,” he said. “Everybody caves eventually. What matters is how long it took.”
However, the reaction from students from students was one of surprise, shock and anger.
“The biggest reason why I came to Roosevelt was because they do things differently. No other school that I know of puts so much into standing up for minorities and students from low-income communities. They are the only school with this mission,” a freshman IMC major said. “To see a school who claims to have progressive ideals simply fall like a house of cards is rather disheartening.”
“In my history class, we learned all about Roosevelt’s social justice mission. We learned about the beginning years, where lots of veterans from World War II were able to come to this school because of the GI bill,” a senior creative writing major said. “For the entire time I’ve been here, this school has stood up for the right things. Selling Starbucks in the cafeteria is in sharp contrast to what this school is supposed to stand for.”
Elaborating on the decision to switch, the university spokesperson said:
“You know, I think more people should favor this. Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz has still done lots of activist work. He stands for the right things. It shouldn’t matter that he’s a political donor, or that he’s a rich CEO. Gentrification could be a good thing. Who doesn’t love basic white girl drinks such as the chai latte?”
Founded in 1945, Roosevelt University was named after Franklin Delano Roosevelt, and his wife Eleanor. The university was founded on the premise that people from all walks of life deserve an education. Women and minorities of all kinds attended here as well.
Roosevelt has always been regarded as a progressive institution; one that mirrored the vision of FDR himself. It was he who once said “I welcome their hatred” in reference to rich corporate interests. Presumably, it would also be he who looks at this process of gentrification with curiosity and anger.
*This is an article from the Scorch, the annual satire issue of the Torch*