Real Housewives sacrifice child ahead of reunion

By Zachary Wright
Copy Editor

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The current cast of season eight: Camille Grammer, Kyle Richards, Lisa Vanderpump, Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave, Lisa Rinna, Erika Girardi and Dorit Kemsley. Photo courtesy of Amanda Edwards, Getty Images

In what may be the franchise’s most boring season yet, Bravo has taken drastic measures to ensure higher ratings. After record lows after what fans are calling the worst season, a Bravo executive leaked that the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills sacrificed a child ahead of their season reunion.

Under the guise of performing a sacrifice to the “TV Gods,” the sacrifice has caused backlash amongst fans, as well some housewives. The video shows women, wearing masks with blood around the lips, sequin ball gowns and diamond necklaces, were holding hands in a circle with lit candles around the room.

The women were chanting hymns like “Higher the heel, closer to God,” and “Clutch the pearls, pump the brakes.” The women also had machetes beside them, as well as a cage containing a few pigeons that were presumably used in the ritual.

Many fans have commented on social media that the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills should be cancelled. The hashtag #CancelRHOBH started appearing online, with fans calling the ritual heinous. The hashtag was trending and picked up by CNN, the BBC, MSN and other news agencies. The New York Times responded with an opinion piece about how it was not surprising “the rich old women struggling for relevance and cash” would do “anything to advance themselves in society.”

Former housewife Camille Grammer, who makes sporadic appearances on the current season, has accused housewife Dorit Kemsley of starting the ritual. “Everyone is entitled to act stupid every once and awhile, but she really abuses the privilege,” Grammer said. Newest cast member, Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave, joined Grammer in accusing the other wives.

Lisa Rinna, who joined in the fifth season, has denied her involvement in the ritual. “I’m not in the video,” Rinna said, laughing. “What did they even do? I haven’t seen the video. What did they do? If they did it, they just need to OWN IT!” Rinna exclaimed in an interview with the Torch.

Popular cast member Erika Girardi, better known as her stage name Erika Jayne, said she does not remember participating in the ritual sacrifice. Some fans have accused Girardi of having “pretend amnesia.”

Girardi responded in an video posted on her Twitter. “You said ‘pretend.’ Don’t say I pretend to have amnesia! There’s no pretending,” Girardi said. “You’re basically calling me a liar. Like, all of a sudden, I’m changing my story for convenience,” Girardi continued. “I don’t told you, I don’t remember. Period. You guys don’t know what I go through at night,” Girardi said.

Mellencamp also told the Torch that Kemsley confirmed it was Girardi participated.“Your response Dorit, was that she is 100 percent ‘rage and regret, rage and regret,” Mellencamp said, who lowered her head down while walking away from Torch reporters in a parking lot.

Mellencamp has also denied her involvement that night. Mellencamp stated she had an “uneasy feeling” about the text messages she got from Kemsley and other housewives, Kyle Richards and Lisa Vanderpump.

Vanderpump, who owns a few restaurants and a dog shelter, has not directly denied the when speaking with a Torch reporter. “I’m crazy about dogs, just not crazy about children,” Vanderpump said. Vanderpump joked that she can clear up the controversy the women are facing. “The queen of diamonds always has an ace up her sleeve,” Vanderpump joked while holding her hairless dog.

Richards has not spoken on the allegations and Vanderpump has refused interviews since. It is currently unknown if Bravo will renew the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills for a season nine or revive the series with new wives to wash away the blood stains left like red wine on a white couch.

*This is an article from the Scorch, the annual satire issue of the Torch*

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