By Lauren Grimaldi
The Metra, Chicagoland’s premier commuter rail line, has been subject to severe budget cuts and price increases for the past few years. Commuters across the near and far suburbs have been clamoring for additional groups to receive tickets at discounted prices for quite some time, and it seems as though these hopes have finally been answered.
“We are proud to announce that we will now be offering discounted tickets to stray animals that use our services,” said Metra CEO Hughe Moreon. “We believe this will help the stray animal community that rely on our trains to get to where they need to go.”
College students are not included in the list of new groups that can obtain discounts. In addition to stray animals, the Metra has also decided to offer discounts to passengers that saw the movie Paddington 2, Target employees and people that still do “Like my status for a Truth Is” posts on Facebook.
“Our research shows that college students don’t really use our services,” a spokesperson for Metra said. “We have far more feral cats riding our trains than we do students from the suburbs going to class.”
In addition to the new discounts, the Metra also announced a series of price increases for riders that do not fall in the discounted categories.
Under the new increase, it will cost a passenger $37 to ride from Union Station to Aurora each way. Monthly passes between these two locations will start at $459, but a Metra official said that customers will now have to bid well over that amount due to the high demand.
Metra said that this increase in costs will go towards making the trains run more efficiently. They said that the revenue from these sales will go towards making the trains be able to handle slight wind gusts and a quarter inch of snow.
Many passengers have complained about the severe delays that they’ve experienced on the Metra.
“I was taking the train home once on a sunny day,” one passenger said. “But apparently the sun shined too brightly and made my train get delayed for 75 minutes.”
Another passenger said that the Metra’s announcement system can be unhelpful. She said that last week she was waiting for her train into the city when a booming voice said that the train would be delayed between four and 75 minutes without offering any other information.
*This is an article from the Scorch, the annual satire issue of the Torch*