By Drew Modjeski
Tickets for the 2018 Spring Commencement have hit a new high on the Roosevelt black market today, reaching $3,000 dollars at one point.
The prices skyrocketed from $200 dollars after the announcement that graduating students would only recieve four tickets to the graduation ceremony. It looks like the prices will not be going down anytime soon with the prices increasing at a rate of $100 dollars per day.
Joseph Joesphnehn, a senior accounting major at Roosevelt University, described his feelings about the ticket price saying, “I told my family that I dropped out of school, and just sold all my tickets.”
“I paid for an all inclusive trip to Cancun with that money. This is the greatest thing I have done over my four years at Roosevelt,” Josephnehn said.
The leading salesman on the Roosevelt black market, who has asked not to be named, has been enjoying the spike in prices saying: “I literally did nothing for the past few years. This black market has been dead for a long time, but now that it is back I actually feel a purpose in life. Once the commencement actually happens I am gonna be screwed, but for right now I’m living good.”
“I have to say thank you to Roosevelt University for making all students graduating panic about their loved ones not being able to see them graduate,” the anonymous source said.
Billy Bob Joe Nottingham IV, a graduating English major, had to take out a second mortgage on his home just to buy more tickets to graduation.
“I was walking through the halls with a check for $15,000 just to buy tickets. It has cost me more for my family to see me graduate than it was to get the degree. The worst part is that the tickets were for my aunt Gracie. I hate my aunt Gracie, but my mom insisted that she and her eight cats should be at the ceremony,” Nottingham said.
Prospective graduates for next year have already started saving up to buy more graduation tickets from the black market.
“I started working at every Chilis within the Chicagoland area to afford tickets next year,” said Amy Noticketo, a junior dance major at Roosevelt University.
“With all the time I have to spend working, and plus school work, I haven’t slept in over two months,” Noticketo said.
Roosevelt administration have been warning students about fake tickets that have also been popping up around campus.
Roosevelt University released a press release about the fake tickets stating, “The fake tickets look like real tickets. The perpetrators stole graduation tickets from 1945, and are selling them to unknowing victims.”
“Any guests that show up to the ceremony without a valid ticket will be asked to leave, but get to keep the fake ticket as a souvenir,” the press release stated.
Black market experts are estimating that ticket prices may reach up to $6,000 dollars before commencement happens on May 11.
*This is an article from the Scorch, the annual satire issue of the Torch*