By Rachel Popa
Managing Editor of Social Media and Web Content
This article is from the Torch’s satire issue, the Scorch.
In fashion with “liberal snowflakes” on college campuses across the nation, Roosevelt University announced a new course offering titled “Political Stress Management” for next fall. Critics of the new course offering have suggested a different name: “Basics of Snow Removal.”
“This is typical liberal snowflake behavior,” said Jim Smith, a Roosevelt student who said he voted for Trump in the 2016 election. “They’re acting all sensitive now we have a real president in office. Hillary lost; get over it and get on the Trump train.”
A member of the registrar’s office defended the new course offering.
“This is a politically tough time for students,” she said, agreeing to speak under the guise of anonymity. “The Trump administration is threatening to cut funding to the Pell grant program, as well as other programs that many low income students rely upon. The majority of our students rely on these federal programs to pay for their education, which is a necessity in today’s job market. We don’t see this class as much as a ‘safe space’ for students, rather, we see it as a way to give our students some agency in dealing with policies that affect them directly.”
When asked about how the proposed budget cuts will affect his ability to pay for his education, Smith said that he believes that he and other students should pull themselves up by their bootstraps and find a way to pay for it themselves.
“We don’t want government handouts,” Smith said. “I may get them now, and they help me out a lot, but I think the savings I will see in the form of tax cuts will balance it out. I don’t want to pay for poor people to go to college.”
If Trump’s budget is passed, then students may have to find another way to pay for college in the form of private loans. The problem with private loans is that they’re often given out by banks that charge interest rates higher than those of mortgages and other loans. Trump has criticized the federal student loan program, saying that it’s unethical for students to be indebted to the government. If Trump were to talk to real students whose parents couldn’t pay for them to go to college, they would tell him that they’d rather have fixed/no interest rates through the government, rather than skyrocketing interest rates from a private lender who is beholden to nobody.
“I need this class more than anybody,” said Jane Miller, a sophomore psychology major who could lose her Pell grant and student loans under Trump. “I may not even be able to take it next fall if I can’t get financial aid.”
UPDATE: Upon realizing that he would in fact not be able to pay his tuition out of pocket by simply pulling himself up by his bootstraps, Jim Smith has enrolled in the “Political Stress Management” course.