CCPA student announces he “Can’t Even” on elevator


By Zachary Wright
Contributing Reporter

This article is from the Torch’s satire issue, the Scorch.

The classroom isn’t the only place that brings all people together at Roosevelt University. Throughout the day, many students of all backgrounds and lifestyles gather together to ride the elevator, jam-packing each car until it’s over the recommended weight limit. As students stand in whatever dirt and grime is on the car’s floor, faces buried into their phones, there is one group who defies these unwritten rules of silence and courtesy openly.

One such CCPA student, John Smith (Class of 2020, interpretive dance) announces that as of Mar. 23, that he just can’t even. “I can’t even!” screamed Mr. Smith as he raised his face from his phone, stopping the singing of his fellow classmates and friends.

It finally dawned on Smith that on this specific day, he could no longer do it anymore as he looked around the elevator, not noticing the annoyed faces in the small crowd.

“Oh my god, like what happened?” asked his friend, a fellow student majoring in the same field.

“I have so much to do! So much to do before this production!” said Smith. “I just can’t even!” Smith continued.

Others around him look at each other, annoyed by the loudness from this alarming situation. They sigh in relief as they leave on the floor they needed to go to. As this happens, the group of students who simply “can’t even” continue to explain the situation they find themselves in.

It is still currently unknown the status of Smith, as well is it being unknown what exactly Smith meant by his comment in the elevator. It is suggested that Smith is exhausted by his “busy schedule” and just no longer has the time for other things outside of class.

“I just don’t understand, we have so much! We do a lot and it’s not easy!” said Smith’s friend. “We’re just so busy lately,” she continued as Smith stepped out of the elevator exactly one floor above the one he was originally on.

Categories: Recent Posts, The Scorch

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2 replies

  1. I think you muggles need to put some RESPECT on CCPAs name because we’re keeping your fucking school afloat. Bow down bitches because you all CAN’T EVEN afford to be a school on your own. Bye.

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