University official issues statement on funding

By Adam Schalke

Staff Reporter

The Scorch

Following President Malekzadeh’s State of the University speech earlier in the semester, in which he outlined an ambitious set of proposals for Roosevelt, including increased investment in the Schaumburg campus, faculty raises, and expanded parental leave for staff. Despite the support for these proposals, there exists the issue of how all of them will be funded.

“I can assure you that we absolutely, one thousand percent, have a plan in mind on how to pay for all this. No doubt about that,” said a university official in a recent interview.

When pressed for specifics, the official let out a sigh, became cross and admitted that he was exaggerating. “Okay, know what? I lied. I have no idea how we’ll pay for these things. I got literally zero ideas on how to pay for all this. Wanna quote me on that? Go ahead, quote me on that, see if I care. I am beyond caring at this point.”

Outbursts like this have become a regular act of behavior for administration in recent months, with substantial financial issues burdening the university and little relief in sight as to how to overcome them.

“We had a brainstorming session one day to try and come up with ideas on how to raise funds,” said one of the university’s trustees. “A little less than half of the trustees walked out in frustration. I think about two or three of them were crying.”

Letter from the staff: All Scorch articles are to be read and enjoyed as satire.

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