Roosevelt lists new major: Master of Procrastination and Anxiety

By Katherine Gage

Social Media/Web Editor

The Scorch


Due to numerous professor requests and students excelling above and beyond in the subject, a new major is now available for Roosevelt students: Master of Procrastination and Anxiety.

“We first came up with the idea when I found a student in a Gage building common room who was writing a midterm paper that was due in the next 8 minutes while crying and laughing at the same time.” a professor said.

“I followed up with the student to make sure they were doing okay, a week later when I ran into them on campus. They said they got an A on the paper, and were currently working on an assignment on their phone while they were walking to the classroom to submit it. It got me thinking.”

The dean of the new department responded that media and technology has brought new ways for professors and instructors to communicate deadlines and additional coursework outside the classroom, which wasn’t possible before.

“Professors used to have to assign everything under the sun they could think of during their class once a week. Now that everyone has a computer and an email address we can assign whatever we want whenever we want! It’s invigorating. We get bored to make sure our students have no chance at having a social life by assigning an extra online quiz. It also provides students with the essential tool of learning to procrastinate additional assignments, fueling them with sudden anger or an urge to cry, adding the anxiety component onto the major.”

The department is also pleased to announce students may choose to sign up for either Procrastination or Anxiety as a minor by consulting with their academic advisor.

Letter from the staff: All Scorch articles are to be read and enjoyed as satire.

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