Rauner agrees to pay students lost MAP money in gum

By Daly Tongren

Editor In Chief

The Scorch


Rauner flaunted new Trident Layers payment method in a press conference last week. Photo Credit: Alvin Nguyen


After vetoing legislation that guarantees need-based financial aid to thousands of college students in Illinois, state Governor Bruce Rauner has agreed to compensate students in a different way. Students who formerly received the MAP Grant will still be able to collect their aid – in the form of Trident Layers gum.

“Cutting MAP was essential to insuring our budget is divided up wisely,” said a member of Rauner’s team. “But we didn’t want to lose the support of young people, so we decided to pay them in gum, rather than not at all.”
Reactions to the new bill, known officially as the Trident Layers Condolence Act, have been mixed. Students who are unable to continue their college education without state funding from MAP have expressed their concerns with Rauner’s choice of gum.

“I’m really bummed I have to drop out of college,” one student said. “But even more than that, I am offended that Rauner would choose to compensate me in Trident gum instead of Big League Chew. Everyone knows that is the number one chewing gum among millennials.”

Letter from the staff: All Scorch articles are to be read and enjoyed as satire.

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