Scorch Stories

Student files for ‘conscious uncoupling’ from Sallie Mae
By Faf Suh

Last week, actress Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay frontman Chris Martin announced their “conscious uncoupling” after 10 years of marriage. This week, a Roosevelt University junior announced her “conscious uncoupling” from student loan provider Sallie Mae.
“I figure if celebrities can do it, why can’t I?” said the student, who wishes to remain anonymous. “It’s been a long three years with Sallie, but we just don’t mesh anymore. I was young when our relationship started. I didn’t know what I was getting into.”
Sallie Mae provides student loans to students all over the country, something our anonymous source said is not okay with her.
“If a man cheats on his wife, that’s grounds for a divorce,” she told the Scorch. “So, if Sallie Mae is providing loans for students other than me, I think that qualifies me for conscious uncoupling. I need a one-woman student loan provider.”
The student seemed unconcerned with how she will pay her tuition bills in her final year of undergrad without the help of Mae.
There are some other options for students looking to finance an education.
“I’m thinking of signing up on one of those sugar babies websites,” the student said. “At least those guys can pay my bills without a nine percent interest rate.”

President Middleton receives big raise, staff quits
By C.S. Vonnegut

In a move most people semi-expected, Roosevelt University President Charles Middleton got a $2,774,689 raise to his previous $725,311, which puts his salary at $3.5 million and makes him the highest paid college president, mostly so he could stay ahead of University of Chicago President Robert Zimmer’s $3.4 million.
Following the raise, most faculty and staff resigned.
The Scorch recently got a chance to sit down with Middleton to talk to him about his recent influx of cash.

Q: How do you feel about the entire staff quitting due to your raise?
A: It’s an unfortunate situation, but we will continue to stay strong. Roosevelt was founded on the perseverance of the human spirit when trouble overcomes you, and that is what I intend to do.

Q: Have you considered taking a pay cut?
A: LOL. Next question.

Q: With admissions down and the school in debt, how can you justify receiving a raise this substantial?
A: Times are tough. I know it as well as anyone. My driver forgot to pick me up this morning, so I had to take the CTA, and it smelled like urine. It’s easy to forget to stay positive in this economy, but the goal is to try. Do I think I should have gotten the raise? That’s a hard question to answer. But yes. And I just want to say, in your face, Zimmer.

Q: And how do you justify it?
A: It’s not up to me how much I make. It’s up to the board. If they think I should receive a raise, then there is nothing I can do but accept it. They are very persuasive. It’s simple, really.

Q: Correct me if i’m wrong, but aren’t you the sole member of the board at this point?
A: It starts with one.That’s what this school is all about. It only takes one person to change the world.

Q: …Moving on, what are your future plans for Roosevelt?
A: I don’t know, to be honest. I figured I’d stay in the Wabash Building for a while. It’s really cool when it’s empty, you know? Running around the halls and stuff and playing hide-and-go-seek with my friends. I’ll probably sell off the building once I get board and pocket the change. I’ve been eyeing a new yacht for a while now. …Cha-ching! Am i right?

While the future remains bleak for the university, Middleton seems to be having a great time. Also, this will be our last issue, as we’ve run out of funds to continue printing.

To reduce budget deficit, RU begins selling old merchandise, personnel on Craigslist
By Miriam Tate

In a final sigh of resignation about the budget deficit, Roosevelt University decided to sell aging furniture, books, appliances, electronics and even some faculty and staff members on Craigslist.
Some of the entries include “~Gently Used, Mildly Dusty Library Furniture AMAZING!!~,” “Bathroom Sink — Only Slightly Chipped, with Exciting Mystery Stain” and “IT Employee in Need of New Home.”
“We’ve been in need of some spring cleaning around here for a while,” a disgruntled physical resources employee said. “They put me in charge of making all these listings. Right now, I have all the items locked in a room downstairs until someone purchases them. I had to put tape over some of their mouths, but luckily not all of them can talk.”
The listings range in price from about $20 for items like “FANCY Pillow, Nice and Spongy” to about $10,000 for personnel.
“I was wandering around yesterday, and I heard some mumbling coming from this one room,” a freshman said. “Something about ‘eliminated my position,’ and just a bunch of groaning.”
In a press release, the university stated it hopes to gain around $500,000 for these sales.
According to the physical resources employee, only suggestive replies about “hook ups” and pictures of genitalia have been received in response to the listings, so far.

CCPA pioneers loud library
By Nick Figaro

Recently, CCPA made history in the world of libraries by providing the first loud workspace. By fostering distraction, the administration hopes to build an environment that isn’t lame.
“I like to take most of my phone calls in the library,” said Cynthia Pickles, a second-year graduate student that is getting kind of bored of this school. “That way people who are trying out this ‘reading’ thing can hear my side to all of my conversations.”
The locale has been a common retreat for students. The secluded location serves as a great lunch getaway.
“Oh, this isn’t a cafeteria?” asked Mike Keats, a sophomore trumpet student, while ripping out the pages of a musical score to use as a napkin.
The idea came to fruition a couple weeks ago in a board meeting. One of the goals was to help find ways to drown out the consistent chewing noises.
“It was really great to finally have something to talk about,” Professor Chris Cringle said. “Usually, we all just kind of sit there and don’t talk. Some people nap, but I was never really good at that. I think it’s because I sleep pretty well at home. I’m just not tired enough, y’know?”
The library’s innovation comes fresh on the heels of the “half-page” initiative. Ink costs have dropped dramatically now that the copy machines only print the top half of every copy.
It’s ideas like these that are making administration think of more creative revenue building ventures. Talk of tearing down the bookshelves to make room for arcade-style games may become a reality next fall.
“Most of these books haven’t been checked out in decades,” Librarian Paul Johnson said. “I’m honestly not even sure what most of these books are about. The only music I listen to comes out of my car’s dashboard.”
The library is also considering inverting the hours they keep the door open. If they open at 9 p.m. and close at 5 a.m., they’ll be able to really capitalize on the university’s prime location for nightlife.
“What we really have to do now is finalize a drinks list,” Dean Todd Packer said. “I mean, how trashed do we want these kids to get? Anything less than puking through the halls is less than satisfactory in my book.”
One student jokingly suggested that the music students could provide entertainment for outside guests. Of course, none of the students of CCPA are enough of a nerd to have any of this semester’s music learned already.

Roosevelt expands social justice mission by admitting first canine student
By Mike P. Sullivan

Roosevelt University’s first ever canine applicant was accepted into the Heller College of Business earlier this week. Administrators have been excited to announce this new expansion of the university’s social justice mission.
The canine admittee, Princess Rose, is an eight-pound female dachshund.
In a press release, the university stated that it sought to include different aspects of social justice in its practices in order to set itself apart from other institutions. It said that admitting canines to the school would not only increase admission rates, but also present to the animal population that the school is serious about all aspects of equality, including animals.
Rose said she was excited to reflect on her experience as the first canine admittee.
“I was distraught for a while after sending out so many applications to colleges around Chicago that I was beginning to feel like no one respected the animal population,” she said. “When Roosevelt contacted me after I put in my application, I was left with hope for other canines like me who are seeking a better education.”
Rose went on to discuss her home life prior to her acceptance to the university.
She expressed that years of going on walks, playing with squeaky toys and being dependent on her owner left her extremely bored.
“As a female canine, it is difficult to start in a field like police work like many other male canines do, and I was tired of the same old thing at home,” she said. “You can only squeak the same squeaky toy for so long. I wanted more for my life and for the others who feel that canines deserve an education just as much as humans.”
After Rose’s admittance, the university experienced a tripling of applicants of the canine species, according to the Admissions Office.
Rose said she is optimistic about the progress that can be made for equality towards animals.
“If the school is trying to open up equality amongst other species, such as my own, I am all for it,” she said. “I always felt that getting an education would make me a better canine, and if dogs are a man’s best friend, then why aren’t more humans acting like it by helping them become more independent?”

New Lakers football team recruiting soon, set to play on Dunkin’ Donuts roof
By Scooba Sam (Scooba Steve’s Father)

Roosevelt University will offer tryouts for a new Lakers football team soon. The team is looking to start its season next fall.
The downtown environment has caused the school to think progressively. The team practices will be held on top of the Dunkin’ Donuts on State and Van Buren, with games held wherever there is the most light at the time.
“I feel like we can put together a good team,” said Yum Cornflake, the new head coach. “Unfortunately, though, to replicate a full-size football field, we’ll have to run in circles on the roof about 20 times.”
Cornflake explained that there is an upside to the small space.
“Our players will be very good at making quick cuts when avoiding falling off the roof,” he said.
The school has already taken out insurance to cover for cars that get hit with footballs during practice.
Rumblings around campus suggested that the new football coaches will try to steal players from other Roosevelt sports.
Quarterbacks Coach Doug Funny explained, “That Jason English has got an arm. Baseball shmaseball, he’s definitely ours.”
Offensive Coordinator Way Pwoteen said he has eyes on another athlete at Roosevelt.
“That Tyree York knows what’s up,” he said. “He’s elusive and could easily play several positions!”
Uniforms are projected to be rainbow colored to emphasize the school’s social justice and equality values.
The first game is scheduled at the grass lot across from Chinatown Square against Columbia College, which is looking to start a football team of its own to compete with Roosevelt.
Sources say, however, that Columbia is looking to play only two-hand-touch.

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